Friday night I went to the movies. I did not like the movie I saw. In fact, it made me feel so uncomfortable because of the intensity, music, and literally aliens. I thought about walking out. But I didn't. Last summer I went and saw this Batman movie with a lot of John's returned missionary friends and other LDS friends from UP. It was so much fun. Ben, Bryce, Christian, Kory, Eric, Jordan. All of these great girls and boys who I looked up to and was excited to "be with them". The good, cool kids. The movie was intense, with way too many deaths and killings. I hated it. Detested it. I wanted to walk out so many times. But I didn't. I didn't have the courage. I was worried about what my peers would think about me. I regret not having the courage to do what I know is right. To have the will power to walk out if need be from a movie, or to stop snacking and eating, or just to say no.
Saturday we had a tri-stake handcart trek. I enjoyed myself. The biggest difference I found from this trek and the trek that I did a couple of years ago was that I become the ma this time. They had 27 handcarts and put a priest and laurel together as the ma and pa. I all of a sudden was married to a cute guy from the Albany Stake and had teenage children that were beehives, mia maids, deacons, and teachers. My husband was a hard worker and fun to be with. He definitely was the black sheep of our family though. :) He even skipped testimony meeting. I hope for the best, that he is able to go on a mission and get his priorities strait. Nevertheless I had a blast being his wife. I made him put a band aid on when he got cut crossing the streams and gave him an earful to listen to. Our four children were sweet. I always felt for them and was constantly checking up on how they were doing, finding where they were, and praying for them. They were good hard little workers. The trek was short. We hiked 8 miles and it was a work out. I didn't feel like I learned anything though.
Today in Sacrament Meeting these two experiences finally came together. I felt the whisperings of the Spirit enlighten me with feelings and thoughts as I pondered about my direction in life. Several comments brought on this knowledge. I want to share with you and myself exactly what I learned.
Yesterday during our trek testimony meeting, Amber Warnock bore her testimony and mentioned that the pioneers trial may have been having the faith, courage, and strength to physically stand up for what's right in trekking to the west to Zion, to the temple. Many saints sacrificed so much so that they could make it to the temple. To receive the blessings that awaited their families and themselves. But Amber said that we have other challenges and we have to stand for what's right with courage. What do we give to make it to the temple? We are sent to this Earth at this time for a reason.
Her thoughts really got me thinking. I think I could and would walk across states to go to the temple. My Washington 3day trek that I did really taught me this. It was so difficult at the last part of the first day when we had walked 10+ miles and were aching. There was no hills, it was straight vertical up the mountain!! It was hard and dark. Every part of my body ached and tears came from the side of my eyes. All I remember is praying and singing. It made me ask why? Why was I still walking? Why would I walk if I was a pioneer. Then it hit me. I was walking, taking one step after another because of my testimony. I had a testimony and was making my way a little closer to God, to Zion. So maybe I could have lived with the pioneers and made it. But I wasn't born then. I was born now. Because at this time, is when I would grow the most, learn the most. I don't have to physically walk to show my faith and testimony. But I do have to show it.
Alexa, a friend from Albany Stake, and I were later talking about the Gospel. I made the comment that really hit home for both of us. Are we living in the Gospel, or are we living for the Gospel?
I enjoyed the trek yesterday because I was a 'ma'. It made me think just how badly I wanted to be a mother. I love my children. I know I don't know them yet, but I do. I want so badly to be prepared as a daughter of God to raise them. So how can I teach my children how to be steadfast and immovable, an example of the believers, if I can't even do it? If I can not walk out of a movie, or say no to things?? I want them to have the strength, their own testimony. I know what I have to do now. And I hope, that when I'm older and reading over these journal-post-entry things I will see that I have changed. That I might be brave, courageous, steadfast and immovable. I know I can through His power. All weak things can be made strong. I want to start living for the gospel. I have the testimony. Now I need to show it. Show him I why I continue to walk the path I do, living for the Gospel.
