Christmas Delight #3

The week before Thanksgiving our Monticello Ward had Service Week. My calling right now is Service Co-Chair, so I had spent a lot of time preparing with my assistant Co-chair, Aaron. The week was amazing. Man Monday. Turtle Tuesday (roommates). Woman Wednesday. Thankful Thursday (bishopric). Friend Friday. Stranger Saturday. Serviceman Sunday. I made this awesome banner that we hung between the balconies of the boys and girls apartment building in the fishbowl. And we had sticker charts for each apartment for people to fill out. We decided that if the entire apartment did service everyday and filled out their chart, our committee would serve them before the end of the semester. I was so excited for our Service Week and made it a point to serve everyday. It was such a joy for me to see service going on everywhere throughout the week. I know a lot of apartments didn't finish their sticker chart, but it was powerful to see through the fishbowl, different visiting teachers, friends, FHE friends, home teachers all getting served by each other. The fishbowl is quite transparent, between our super small sidewalk barely separating our buildings, and the massive windows/sliding glass doors to the balconies, you can basically see what your neighbors across the way are up too, especially when people were serving each other. I love this Ward. By Stranger Saturday, I still didn't have set plans for Thanksgiving. That's when John surprised me with a ticket home to see the beloved parents. Which meant that I would miss our Social Sunday where we planned to write letters to the Serviceman. I felt really lame leaving Aaron by himself to hit off a Sunday evening Ward Social. But today, in our Committe meeting, he stopped by and gave me all the letters my Ward had wrote to the serviceman at this activity. Jim's planning on giving me an address to send to a unit in Afghanistan. I wasn't quite feeling a Sunday nap earlier today, so when the roomies were dozing, I sat myself down and began reading these letters. It didn't take very long for me to get teary-eyed and feeling my heart just begin to swell and swell.

On one side I have this really amazing and special student Ward who I love and on the other side I have a love for these random serviceman who are going to get these letters. I love America. My family has always been patriotic, probably because of the military's influence in my Dad and brother's careers, and the fact that my parents have always shown a respect to what our America's history, values, and general spirit has been. Add some country music to my childhood where I adored any patriotic songs that came from my favorite country singers and I began to also find a love for this country of mine. When John was 18 he enlisted in the National Guard and went to Boot Camp. I remember him telling me that the people you would expect [I would expect as a teenager] to be a part of the Army would be different than whom he came into contact with--the many orphaned, high-school drop outs, messed-up-pasts type of folk. Then Jim was deployed and when he got back, I've heard little bits of snid-bits of information of what it was like for him and his soldiers to be away from their homeland. Comparably similar in circumstances to LDS missions, but also extremely different in numerous ways. So I day-dreamed it up with this a semi-supposed idea of what it might possibly be like to get random letters from a random group of Molly Mormons and Peter Priesthoods, if the most of my life had been screwed over. Which might under some circumstances be a little weird to read. But reading so much gratitude, hope, and love that came from individuals in my Ward who I know and already love was so inspiring. The Spirit basically popped out of these letters that I was reading in my little apartment in Provo, Utah and touched me because I knew, they were going to touch others who needed it. They spoke of truth. Sometimes very blatant truth about the Savior or scripture or America. Ha, especially the little premie who left a Chuck Norris joke: Super herose have Chuck Norris on their PJs, but Chuck Norris has solders on his PJs.

I think the people who are veterans of war become heroic because (hopefully) the gratitude and appreciation they receive from people who have no need to necessarily give it touches them to realize that what they're doing is something important and of value for the one. It's all about giving charity to the one. Whether it's through one letter written from one person, or one soldier who puts his life out on the line for a battle buddy or another human being from a different culture, or the charity of doing the temple work for 'the one'. And of course, receiving the blessing of being the one who receives the blessings of the Atonement. I am one of the many 'ones' that the Savior was born for, lived for, then Atoned for, and died for. ALL because he understood the love for the one.

The Key To The Big Is The Small

It's the second day of January and I am so excited for this new year. It just feels like its going to be a great year! This post is really for my mom, she requested I do a new years post. I'm trying to decide if it's because she wants to know what my resolutions are or if she's missing me already? (i left home 2 days ago).

I love setting goals. I'm not sure why, but I'm just a very motivated person to always have a new plan or idea and how I will accomplish it. So this year, 2011, I decided that I want to work backwards with my goal setting. Usually I go for the big and try and work out the small. But this time, I'm working on 5 things (one for each finger on my hand) that I will do every day. You know, the key to the big is the small? That's kind of the idea I'm going for. I have ideas about the outcomes, but I don't want to limit the possibilities of the fruits of my big 5. Happy New Year! I time to "Look Not Behind Thee" and move forward, a time of becoming.

Soft Cries and Hard Cries

One day, I'll get married and have a family and be able to have a normal blog like all those family blogs that I love to stalk. But for now, this is me and my very personal-all-about-me-posts....

Its true. Of all girls, I promise it's healthy when appropriate. I began having regular soft cries when I turned 18 and entered Relief Society (so stereotypical i know). They come and go on good Sundays, which happens more regularly then not. Hard cries don't occur nearly as much. N.E.A.R.L.Y. I'm pretty sure the last hard, hard cry I had was Christmas 2009. Anyways, recently I blogged about some things that I learned and then kinda forgot about it (typical human being) and now I think I know why I learned what I did because other experiences came and then the epiphany which really hit me hard, right in the square of the eyes:

Seven days ago, I did the unthinkable (in my book). I let my anger flow out. Not trickle. Flow like a river, a dam, THE NIAGRA FALLS! Over a silly issue that at the time meant a lot to me. I was so furious at myself and furious at being furious (especially at the start of the week of THANKSgving) that I thought a lot of bad thoughts about myself, said a few, and even emailed them to my mom...haha...so pitiful, i know.) I finally shed some tears. Went to bed. Woke up late past my alarm sick, missed a very important-hated-class, looked out the window and seeing the snow shed more tears.

Somehow I ended up in the office of my therapist Evan (he's actually my boss.....AND a wonderful therapist). He takes good care of his employee's and knowing my lack of/hard-cry-phobia, he sat me down and does what he always does: question.after.question.after.question???????? which is why he is such an effective teacher.

By the end of the conversation and a trip to get some chocolate (which i had/got to share with everyone) I was feeling so great! Evan somehow helps us [my fellow co-workers/evan's other employees] get into a position where the Spirit is so welcome to teach you when you're in your most raw, most broken state possible. At the very end of our conversation he always asks,

"So Beckles?? What Did You Learn?"

1. I'm what you call an avoider. I avoid questions when I want too. And I'm pretty decent at it. I do have problems, but I mask them and push them out of my mind. But when life sucks and I have a hard cry, I unmask everything and pull every little thing possible out of the drawer and hash it out on myself=very.unhealthy.hard.hard.cry=becky.loses.the.spirit.=becky.wants.to.die.bc.she.then.feels.so.lonely.

2. You make things what you want them to be. E.g. It doesn't matter if I broke the shovel and keep blaming, blaming, blaming myself....you still have a broken shovel. (This lesson learned probably doesn't make that much sense to the normal person, i'm not normal...but i completely understand what i'm trying to say).

3. There's conflict between my thoughts and my heart. I know my parents love is unconditional, but for some awful reason i let my heart believe that its only performist-based depending on how i look, act. True story, although; I still do good things for other right reasons (this particular reason is just screwed).

4. Sometimes I believe that I'll only be judged by my works alone. I forget that I'll be judged by my "intents of my heart and works" and then I may be sufficient enough for God's grace.

5. Bottom line-I have always used the Atonement for big things, but not the small. Which is what everything leads down too. I have some emnity going on, separating me from God. I wanted to take care of the small things, I feel like I need too, and I always fail at the small things. And then I push them out (see #1). And then the cycle officially has started (see #1-#5). but no more...

you cannot be moved within and stand still without

Isn't this crazy? Who knew I could learn all this from seven days ago. Seven days ago when I realized that I would get my first C ever in a class.

His Hands And Feet

DISCLAIMER: This picture is above my bed. And above our piano in our living room in my apartment. I decided around Augest that my fall semester theme was going to include Jesus Christ somehow, someway. I went through several experiences that led me to want to know Christ better. A whole lot better. So I began to pray specifically for this occasionally, read the New Testament, think more....and BAM!!!!

Sometimes I am amazed by what I learn. Not necessarily taught by someone, but things that the Spirit just ends up making me feel and that get those mind juices flowing and I guess what I'm suppose to learn at a specific time. I'm going to share one of these mind processes that happen as I daydream, think, question and find answers... (I'm trying to be better at writing this stuff down...hope you don't mind reading).

I began thinking earlier about what will happen when I die. I know that when that time comes, I'll eventually go to meet the Savior Jesus the Christ, The Redeemer of the World and of Mankind, The Light of the World, The Anointed One and all the other countless titles He is referred too. Reverently and with the deepest respect tinged with awe--I hope to be able to walk humbly, but with confidence towards Him.

You know, what will I do then? Will I get a chance to hold His hands in mine?? To watch my tears splash His hands as I realize who He is? I wondered today what I will do when I see the holes in his hands and feet. Those scars. Those small stripes of the purest of white skin that make up a scar; will I realize that I am a part of Him? That I, Rebecca Rhoden am literally engraved into His image like Isaiah says? Physically and Spiritually! Because of the Atonement He knows me. He knows what I have felt when I have sorrowed, sinned, or been sick. Isaiah says that "with his stripes we are healed." He knows how to teach me, comfort me, and love me. I think I'm barely beginning to understand. I am a part of who He is!! On an extremely minute level, and with his stripes, there's proof that I can be healed because He knows me. What a thought!?

It will always be me who separates myself away from Him for He cannot nor ever will be able to separate Himself from me! He's bound by spiritual Law for He knows me through and through. He can never leave me. He will never forsake me. He suffered everything there is to go through both the good and the bad and has 4 visible reminders on His hands and feet. He has taken my image upon Himself and somehow already refined and added it into His perfect being.

He needs to be in my image and countenance just as much as I will always be a small part of His. When this happens will I know that I used the Atonement effectively to its fullest potential? Will I then be able to say that I have never forsaken my Savior? That I took His countenance and name upon myself? Will I be able to gradually look into His eyes and have my confidence wax strong as I remember who I am??

Why can't I just receive speeding tickets or get into fender benders??

RIP BIG RED :'(

7:45am - Intersection on Highway 41/White Road. Green light. Heading through intersection. White Honda Accord. CrAsH, BaNg, CoLLiDe!!!

7:46am - Climb out, body shaking. Assist old lady in White Honda Accord. Call her husband. 100% in control.

7:47am - Bystander arrives and asks me one question. Only asking me. "Are YOU alright?" Tears. Find dad's bullets ALL over cab. Immediately freak and think that i'll get arrested when cops come. Stuffing all bullets into my purse before anyone shows up.

7:50am - Fireman arrive. See Kelsey pulled over on the road walking towards me. In her arms, bawling.

8:15am - Talk to cop. See mom. More tears. Watch old lady get put on stretcher. More tears.

8:30am - Watch big red get taken away.

10:30am - Realization hits that I'm a danger to society and my future family. Vow to move to Pennsylvania and only drive horse/buggy for the rest of my life with the Amish.

pretty flowerDECEPTIONsmelliest tree ever

I only survived the beginnings of Spring in Provo. The sun finally decided to start doing its job correctly and warmed everyone up for a few wonderful days. It was amazing-all of BYU suddenly just APPEARED outside with blankets, Frisbee's, and BBQs. And yet....after a beautiful 4 days of sun....i would wake up, lean over, see the window, and tell Katers that it snowed!! Then the cycle once again start over. Needless to say, spring finally arrived and i was glad to leave Provo! These trees began to flower, they may be pretty but don't be fooled. THEY SMELL HORRIBLE, NASTY, AND GROSS!!! (the best description i could come up with was fish mixed with dead skin). So as Bales and I drove away from Provo, I took a picture of the-smelliest-tree-ever!

A Love Letter from my Great-Grandmother

To my husband:

Today I just want to reminisce on some of the fine things I know about you. I well remember when you first came into my life. I had gone with many different fellows but I think that perhaps I had never thought to serious of getting married. Although I had made up my mind if and when I did marry I wanted to marry a fellow who was LDS and one that was LDS because he believes it was right, not one I had to convert. So when you came along a missionary who was filled with the importance of his mission, well I was satisfied. Then I remember the nice little things you used to do and then you came back to Idaho and I again went out with different fellows, but I remember when you called at Christmas from Salt Lake I believe the calm strength in your voice seemed to settle any doubts I had in my mind and I felt like I could trust my life with you.

We have had our ups and downs but I have always felt you were a strength for the right. I loved you for the way you loved the children each one as they came along as tired as you might feel as you came in from the field. You were never too tired but you could and would hold or tend to the baby or the next to the baby while I finished the meal. I still admire that trait in you as I see Shella or Ramona's little ones go to you. They trust you too.

I admire you for your honesty, in meeting obligations, your willingness to accept your responsibility in paying church dues, tithing and what is asked of you. Your willingness even though it meant sacrifice to send our children on missions and help them as best we could to get an education both in music and school. We also taught them how to work they maybe haven't appreciated to some of these things but I know that back of it all, all the time you were thinking of building character and I am sure as the years pass and their family grows they will appreciate you more and more.

I have loved you for the strength you have been to me in different offices I have held in the Church. You never put anything in the way of me doing the thing that was required of me. How you and Brother Beck would back us up in our Relief Society Bazoar's [gram said a "bazoar" was a sale of some sort to make money for church buildings or church programs] putting the fever in others to participate.

So I could go on and on but I guess I will just say "I love you because you are you" and hope our Heavenly Father will bless you with health to enjoy life for many years yet.

Your loving but not overly affectionate wife.
Effie.

frantic finals

Oh goodness!!!! Its finals time again. And I cannn reeeallllyy feeellll itttt wwweeearringgg onnnn meeee. Yesterday I spent 13 hours on campus and today 12 hours. Can you go brain dead?? I wonder if I will. Sometimes I really do think its a shame I actually care as much I do when I consider what type of a memory I've been blessed with. You know, I'm extremely grateful for time. That atleast something is constantly moving (you know-with hours, minutes, and seconds). Can you imagine truly being stuck in time when you feel stressed, sick, or bored? Life would really suck. It gives me a lot of hope knowing that time moves on. That I'm always one second closer to being done, or one second closer to becoming who I want to be, where I want to be, and who I want to be with. Ok well, I have a lot to blog about....i guess im one blog closer to finishing off all the cool stuff I want to remember.

2 FINALS DOWN, 3 (HARD) FINALS LEFT

I love my bed. And bedtime.

My Prayer List

I always have a mental prayer list. When times get desperate, it gets upgraded to my planner/white board/or amazing ipod touch. :)I am always shocked at how often I lose my water bottle, keys, ID card (which is my everything: meal card, library card, card needed to take any test at BYU, etc). Most of the time its for items such as these. Sometimes it includes certain people or situations I have to experience. And then there are the things that I don't think will ever be removed from my prayer list...and of course, things that I try to remember that I am most grateful for in life.

Recently, I lost my chemistry book. I'm happy to say that I found it today after going to FHE!! I really have prayed for that textbook for like 2 weeks. Now I can finish studying for my last final with it and sell it back to get some needed money! Thank goodness God hears and answers my prayers. :)

Inspiration

Sunday was our last Sunday in Relief Society. It was HORRIBLE! I blame my mom for being such a leaky faucet. I "thought" I didn't get emotional; but I proved myself wrong as I stood up to talk and immediately got choked up. I realized that sisters really do need RELIEF society for the sole purpose of just releasing our tears. (I think it helps the boys in the ward if we don't drain ourselves in front of them).

I was suppose to talk about receiving revelation. All week long I never really put any thought into what I would say. Wednesday night I woke up, frantic, in the middle of the night with a sentence stuck in my head. I couldn't find paper or a pen so I tried texting it into my cell phone. Then I woke up again-somehow knowing that I had written it in my phone wrong. The next morning I barely remembered the experience, let alone the sentence: Sometimes creative people will find alternative paths to accomplishing their goals. Weird. I know. I really don't understand it, except for the fact that it somewhat relates to a priesthood blessing i recently received and my patriarchal blessing.

Then, on Friday I made a trip up Salt Lake to get my flute fixed. I borrowed the truck and felt quite independent. Its been awhile since I have done anything stupid/beckyish so I should have realized that my luck was past due. While filling up the truck, I accidentally (promise) locked my keys and cell phone in the truck. I walked into 7/11 and asked the worker if i could borrow a phone. He handed me a cordless which only would let me dial (801)numbers. Luckily, I had two (801)numbers memorized: John's and Emily's. John was working at the MTC and didn't answer. Emily answered, gave me pity (which almost got me crying), and then suggested a phone book. After calling many numbers that directed me to different places, I got ahold of a locksmith.

One of things that touched me the most was how the workers at 7/11 treated me. The Mexican who handed me the cordless kept offering over and over again for me to borrow his car, drive to provo, get my brothers key, and drive back! I didn't take the time to fill him in on how stupid it would be to trust me with his car--instead, i kindly told him that I couldn't do that. The lady also working didn't look very nice. She was really overweight and wearing her pajamas! She felt bad and kept mentioning how expensive locksmiths could be, and I realized that I hadn't asked him how much everything would cost. So, I called the guy back and began bartering with him and he dropped the price from $65-$40 on the condition that I pay in cash. Only having my debit card, the workers let me buy little 25 cent candy's and gave me the allotted $10 cash back every time I purchased something with my debit.

Soon I was in the truck and driving home with a grateful heart. I realized that at one point, my goal was to get back into the truck. The way to accomplish that goal was different from how I would expect to accomplish it. I was grateful for the experience. This is what I learned from yet another, one of my entertaining moments from life:

1)I should always know where my keys are.
2)NO judging. People who don't have nearly as much going for them and are not LDS sometimes have the biggest hearts and spirits. The Lord is no respector of persons especially for the people who he will sometimes send to be somewhere at the right time and in the right place.
3)I truly do feel for my future husband and what a life he will live because of me.
4)I LOVE 7/11!

learning about myself

Today was crazzy...seriously. I have so much to do in so little time. Its like I could have a panic attack and flip out on everyone and everything if I wanted too. Luckily, I feel okay. I know it'll all pass....hopefully.

So, where to start? I didn't get much sleep last night--i was tired for the most of the day. I realize that when I'm tired, I tend not to think very well, I get distracted, and am more stressed. Which is why I am GOING to try and finish this up as soon as I get my mind all settled.

I got a text message today from someone who was really worried about one of the girls in my ward. I knew that she was having some trouble...I found out that she tried overdosing twice!!! And every time her boyfriend found her and made her throw up. That's serious. Freaky serious. I didn't know what to do. So, I texted my Bishop and prayed during my scheduled "nap time" (devotional). The bishop was really glad that I texted him and called the boyfriend and talked to him. Anyways, its all a mess. I need a hug.

Then I lost my water bottle. AGAIN. I swear, why is it that I lose things all the time? I'm beginning to think that I'll never grow out of this breaking-losing-thing syndrome. I prayed and guess what...found it! Yea, its a miracle I inherited my Oma's faith. Campus is HUGE. :)

I was in one of those stressful, pity-me moods. When I knew that I needed to think of others and pray. So I prayed as I walked home. It was a REALLY LONG prayer. I realized a lot of things:

1) I have no idea why I got into BYU. Even Fall semester!! I have no earthly idea WHY I'm Relief Society President. I'm definitely not the cream of the crop.

2) Apparently, I'm suppose to be here at BYU and the RSPrez. You know, my patriarchal blessing says that I'll "attain many notable achievements in the fields of education and training". Sometimes, I want to say HA HA!!! I have about the same memory as someone who just was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. And that I'll "preside in various calling's in the Church". Of course these quotes come with a lot of other information. But the point is that if that's what is meant to be in my life then alrighty, I'll live faithfully and it will be a miracle if I'm blessed with even HALF of the things my patriarchal blessing says. I won't complain any longer. I don't doubt the power of God. If he wants to help me, then I will gladlylet him!

3)When I was 16 I made a commitment to myself. I have always been blessed spiritually. Moving from Washington was the hardest thing I had ever done in my LIFE! I went through heck those first several months away. (for a future blog entry). But my Savior has always been there for me. I have always felt my Heavenly Father's love and Spirit. So, I was 16, sitting on a mountain at trek, singing to myself. I realized how much others sacrificed because of their testimonies. And then I realized what I wanted to give. What was at the heart of everything I have ever wanted (and what I find A LOT in my patriarchal blessing) is to serve. I want to give my time, my talents, my money, my children, my knowledge to God. I want to do his will. I want to do go where he wants me to go and be the person he wants me to be and say the things he wants me to say. The best thing I can give him is my agency. Since then I have always remembered and st rived to do that. I'm human. But I love serving.

4)So, let me tie all this together. I realized today why I really want to be a nurse. Not only do I think our bodies are just about the coolest creation ever, but I love serving people. Its something that had to grow inside me of me because i was definitely a rude, prideful, and selfish kid. And then I changed. I want to help heal people. Being RSPrez somehow helped me see this. I want to serve anyone and everyone.

I went running. Its my destressor. I'm still out of shape, but John promised he would buy me a Mac if I as healthy as I want to be by his birthday! And I love to run. I ran to emily's on just a slim thought that maybe it would help my mood. Tiffany (emily's sister-in-law) had just found out Oliver is autistic. He's 2. She was so sad and helpless, talking to me about it. I am becoming to realize that my little thoughts are more often promptings than not. Even though I needed a boost, I knew my Heavenly Father needed me to help someone else. I was glad to be there to listen. I think I'm going to surprise her with something tomorrow on my run.

That was part of my day. I feel like I grow so much everyday and that I really should start tearing it up typing away in my blogs! I just can't seem to stop though. Emily and my mom says that boys will stop falling in love with me if I am not so much an open-book. Maybe I'll start typing more and talking less...who knows.

Tomorrow i take my Nursing Essay. I'm gonna need to write about qualities that would make me a good nurse and why I want it. I'm scared to death. Should have gotten a blessing.

P.S. I saw LLAMAs today on campus!! And after my run these boys pulled their love seat outside their apartment into the sun and were eating goldfish and root beer. They asked if I would join them. It was beautiful outside, and I sadly denied two guys! Haha...can't get much better than that. :)

ten minutes

for ten minutes, im going to type. nate is studying tonight and i really wanted to talk to him. yes, he's one of my best friends. and yes, he got his mission call!!! hello TOULOUSE FRANCCCCEEE!!!! :) i am so excited for him. he has no idea.

my weekend has been fantastic...in so many ways! but for my future children's sake, i'll keep it to the boring and menial things i have learned recently. i love love love being relief society president. and no, its nothing i expected-and im trying not to be cocky-i promise. in a few weeks i'll be released from my calling. i know whats coming, im dreading my last meeting where the bishopbric asks what i have learned. i keep thinking, pondering, and wondering what i have learned and how i have grown. because i have in so many ways.

there are 70 girls in my relief society. i love, care, and know each one of them. i love them more than i ever realized was possible for such a diverse group. last semester i was quick to judge and justify "she's cute, but...". i feel horrible for some of the things i have thought and said. joseph smith said once that you should "hold your tongue" and "do not injure the character of anyone!". I want and need to be more kind. wouldn't it be great to be known for never saying anything negative about anyone? for everything you say about someone will only build them up?

sure the girls in my relief society are not perfect. i see them texting in church or wearing immodest cloths and i can't help but still fill love for them. at least they made it out to church i think, or im grateful they just have cloths. just seeing them smile or hearing their comments makes me feel so much LOVE. its insane! i am so astonished and amazed by the power of God. today during my welfare meeting the bishop asked to talk to me afterwords to let me know that one girl (a friend of mine, we're not close, but we're friends) can not pray in public for any meetings. i related some other news to the bishop about two girls who are agnostic. it basically broke his heart for a moment. bishop robbins just began rambling and had his head in his hands. he cares for them and loves these girls more than i do. i felt so prompted to just listen to him. my heart went out to him. how hard it must be to be a bishop. to know so much and have to be so strong. for the love that you feel that you had to pray to receive. sometimes i just wish i could help these girls make right choices, to share some of my faith or testimony with them. i went to the bathroom and said a prayer for my bishop and myself. my heart breaks, but the Lord always heals it. the power of God is so powerful. i've learned that as a leader you shouldn't be asking the question, "how can i teach so-and-so a lesson", but "how can i bring this person to Christ so he can heal them." i don't know if i'll ever be cut out to be a bishop's wife or anything, but i know i love our priesthood holders. i honor their faith, happiness, and strength in keeping confidences.

my ten minutes has been extending...but,

i said a prayer in front of a 1,000 people tonight. sister sherri dew spoke to us in commemoration of our relief society birthday on march 17th! :) it was wonderful and i was terrified! i was amazed at the peace i felt as i sang our closing song before i prayed. "true to the faith that our parents have cherished". i remember who my real parents are, and that i could be true to them. i didn't even trip over the cord at the podium! afterwords sis. dew gave me a hug and asked me to be a good girl. it was a wonderful meeting.

life is good. i love God. i love my family. and i love my friends.

cars, toilets, and keys

I haven't blogged in a week! But there has been so much, A LOT: cars, toilets, headbands, keys, music, tacos, trips, and blue skies. I wish all of these could be individual blogs. Let's see--let me start on Tuesday:

I was standing on 2230 North and University. I was about to walk across a street when a van made a left turn. The light was just green, no arrow. Another car was zooming foward and BAM, CRASH. My stomach immediately twisted and stayed that way as I had flash backs from the sound of a crash, the horn of a car, my eyes were locked on the small car with the air bag out and driver doing his best to pull over next to me. Then I looked left and saw the van. Completely tipped over on the driver door. I freaked. Hung up on my dad and dialed 911. I began talking to the operator--seconds from when the crash happened. I answered all of her questions, panicked and frenzied. My southern accent slipped in completely: "yes mam", "no mam", i let her my number and name. I heard the ambulance and was on my way. I have never felt so bad for leaving. Remorse filled me as I made it to band on time. Who cares about band? That driver to the van may have needed me. I should have had closure. For all i know he was dead. I was too hard on myself. While I was playing my piccolo a sweet lesson came over me--from the Holy Ghost--no doubt. Earlier I prayed like a usually do for an opportunity to serve. But this time I mentioned how I have learned from my BOM professor that God just let's experiences happen. He has too. But sometimes he will intervene--or help out in a way. So if I prayed, knowing htat He loves His other children as much as He loves me. I prayed that I would be able to be an instrument in His hands to help someone. I think I was at the right time at the right place to help someone by calling the ambulance. Maybe I did make a difference.

Later that night Alex, Emily, and I went to a headband party and bought beautiful headbands that are ADORIBLE! I was in love. Sometime I will have to post some pictures. Not tonight though. Then Alex and I went to the Men and Women's Chorus. I love musicand its power. It was beautiful.

Wednesday I was sick and tired of everything that I happened. I needed a mental break. So I came home early! I ate lunch by myself and went running. It was beautiful!!! 70 degrees with a bright blue sky. I ran to Em's house and saw Tiff and Michael. I am so grateful Emily share's her family with me. She has no idea how much they mean to me. How much she does. I'm praying to learn how to treat those I love, like I love them. I always have put my friends on cloud nine. But maybe not when I joke around with them. I really do want to change. I hope I never hurt anyone by my complacency (i think that's the word...).

Thursday!!! hahaha.. one of my college days that made me think of high school! Guess what i did? I'm so dumb. I ACCIDENTALLY flushed my phone down the toilet in the JKB. It was a gonner! Flushed into the sewer and everything. Man, I laughed so hard. Everyone did. I don't know what it is with me, but things just happen. Why me? Maybe because I have a funny optimistic attitude? Who knows. Just know that my phone is gone. I got it all fixed--new sim card + old phone = new cell! I am grateful for everyone who still loves me despite my bad luck... ;)

Saturday the Band traveled to BOA to perform in St. George. It was a lot of fun. I am so amazed I'm in BYU's Band!! Gosh, I am the luckiest girl in the world. Music makes me so happy. There are wonderful people in the band--few creeper boys--but the creepers are always the premies...

Sunday after ward prayer I took Alex's keys to get into Em's apartment. Then I took Emily's to get into her apartment. What's wrong with me? Maybe my brain is defected and during the resurrection all of my woe's will be fixed. I ended up having to find an RA to get her door unlocked. WHEN it turned out Em's keys were in my apartment. Boy did I feel stupid! You would think I would be use to such common occurances in my life. But every day surprise's me.

Today was hard. I thought I would really have a mental break down. But when I was at the worst of it John just randomely called me to tell me he loved me. What a sweet kid, I know he was following the Spirit; but I wonder if he knows that. College is hard. It's hard finding my place and regime when I'm so used to having everything so______ at home. It gets better every prayer I say and every word I read from my scriptures.

That was my LONG week. I'm grateful I am alive and healthy and that I know that I am a daughter of God who does love me very much. :)

peace

I saw the hand of the Lord today as I found answers I needed to hear. I was pretty down about some things and didn't really get to talk it out with anyone. So I went to my scriptures and found much comfort in Philippians 4:6-7. I love the description of peace "which passeth all understanding". I know that I shouldn't worry and John reminded me that the best remedy when worrying is to WORK (thanks to pres. hinckley). The peace is what I need to focus on (being eternally minded) like the peace I feel in the temple. Everything worldly becomes void and it's just you and your eternal salvation. With a deep overcoming sense of hope--peace. I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who hears my prayers and answers them through the teachings of the Holy Ghost within scripture, or words of wisdom from my brother, or a lesson and song in Relief Society, and of course, hearing an Apostle of the Lord speak in person at a CES fireside. I know who I am and who loves me. I'm grateful for the hand of the Lord which I see so very often in my life.

blossoms amidst the snow

9:43am--I opened my eyes and FREAKED out. I had a one-on-one conference with my English teacher that I really needed to be at in two minutes. I was delusional. Throwing on pants and putting my contacts in I ran to Emily's and knocked on here apartment, hoping Alex would be able to drop me off because I had absolutely no time. Running or riding my bike was out of the question. I knocked and knocked. It was really cold. Finally, Emily opened the door and ran straight back to bed. Alex was in the shower. I had to coax Emily out of bed begging with a voice that I thought could start crying with stress. My bed hair wasn't too bad, but my face was so bland with no makeup on whatsoever. Emily took Alex's keys and we headed to the JKB building.

I thought I knew where my teachers office was but I found out I didn't after I kept running around the fourth floor. My conference was suppose to end at 10 and I had five minutes to find my teacher. Finally, I found her. Breathing heavily and with as much forgiveness I could muster I explained everything and let her take over. We rescheduled, and I got my paper. As I walked downstairs and past my locker I heard a teacher mention that it was SNOWING!! He made some comment about how people from Nevada and California better watch out. I realized that I didn't have a coat and I was wearing flip flops. It was going to be a long cold walk home in the first snowfall of the semester. That's when I began crying.

I really haven't cried in at least several months, maybe a year. I mean a real cry. You know, the ones that girls have to release all their emotions when life may become difficult. I was just so disappointed in myself--about sleeping in. I never ever have slept through a class and of all days to be a class where it was just ME and the TEACHER! I really hope Christie doesn't dock my grade. I was also really disappointed because I didn't think I stayed up to late last night. I even read my scriptures and wrote in my journal for the first time in ages! What a blessing--I knew i needed to pray but I couldn't muster any thanks. I was mad. Finally, I said that I was grateful for the clothes that I did have on even if they were thin. Oh, and my fingers were turning a stiff red.

I suddenly got really homesick for my dad. I love him. He has this surprisingly amazing way about him when I am stressed. His, "Everything's going to be alright, puddinghead. You just stop crying now" with his strong southern drawl makes me feel immediate comfort. When I can't keep control of my emotions I want to hear him. He alway's says the wrong things and with that, it makes me happy. He would have told me about the doe he killed last night and how he skinned it. It would have calmed me down. So I left a message on his cell with tears in my voice (i didn't mean for that to happen either).

When I finally got to Wyview, I walked straight to Emily's apartment (the 3rd best person after my dad since john was at work). I walked straight into her room and layed on my stomach and tried to stop crying. But for some reason the heaven's opened and I was a flood of tears. Alex came over and rubbed my back forever and we were all silent until I was ready to start talking. I love Alex and Emily. They knew exactly what to do and were the reason my day turned out great. Emily came on the bed with me after that and said that I got the worst part of the day over with. I was determined to make sure she was right. We ate breakfast and watched an amazing forum from someone who has made a difference in his life. At one point he mentioned stories about kids who have made a difference in their life by saving up money to support other children around the world who need things. They were great stories and touching because he had a picture of them and knew their name and personal story. My dad called and left a message.

Before my BOM class, I got the chance to play the piano in the Wyview building. It was the first time I have been able to let my fingers run across the keys since I have been gone from home. I am so grateful for my musical ability to play the piano. I played hymns and then some of my favorite piano pieces. Although I was rusty, music was still able to change me. Allowing me to focus on making something beautiful (not perfect) does something to me. It's difficult to explain. I said a prayer and felt wonderful. Then I went to my favorite class (BOM) and learned wonderful insightful things. I thought I should write it down in case I need to tell myself this in a few years or my future husband.

My teacher told a story about someone who talked to an apostle about his future career. E. Widstoe told this man that if he didn't know happiness in his career then he wouldn't know happiness at all. That's how important it is to find the right career. He said that you can find the correct career if you meet all of these qualifications:

1)Find something you are GOOD at
2)Find something that you LOVE
3)Find something that the world NEEDS

Band was freezing and my day pretty much was summed up after that. I did some family history indexing and fell asleep watching Anne of Green Gables. I know that although I started out on a rough day in the snow, i still was able to see some spring blossoms. I felt the love of my Savior when I prayed about working harder at becoming closer to Christ. I know that everything I have been given (my home, education, friends, family, testimony, faith, and talents) has been through and because of Jesus Christ. How blessed I am to have the Atonement to have the desires to want to serve my Father in Heaven and become a better daughter. To repent of my imperfect behavior and have chances over again to grow. I am grateful for the love I feel. I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord, because I need thee every hour. Come what may and love it!