learning about myself

Today was crazzy...seriously. I have so much to do in so little time. Its like I could have a panic attack and flip out on everyone and everything if I wanted too. Luckily, I feel okay. I know it'll all pass....hopefully.

So, where to start? I didn't get much sleep last night--i was tired for the most of the day. I realize that when I'm tired, I tend not to think very well, I get distracted, and am more stressed. Which is why I am GOING to try and finish this up as soon as I get my mind all settled.

I got a text message today from someone who was really worried about one of the girls in my ward. I knew that she was having some trouble...I found out that she tried overdosing twice!!! And every time her boyfriend found her and made her throw up. That's serious. Freaky serious. I didn't know what to do. So, I texted my Bishop and prayed during my scheduled "nap time" (devotional). The bishop was really glad that I texted him and called the boyfriend and talked to him. Anyways, its all a mess. I need a hug.

Then I lost my water bottle. AGAIN. I swear, why is it that I lose things all the time? I'm beginning to think that I'll never grow out of this breaking-losing-thing syndrome. I prayed and guess what...found it! Yea, its a miracle I inherited my Oma's faith. Campus is HUGE. :)

I was in one of those stressful, pity-me moods. When I knew that I needed to think of others and pray. So I prayed as I walked home. It was a REALLY LONG prayer. I realized a lot of things:

1) I have no idea why I got into BYU. Even Fall semester!! I have no earthly idea WHY I'm Relief Society President. I'm definitely not the cream of the crop.

2) Apparently, I'm suppose to be here at BYU and the RSPrez. You know, my patriarchal blessing says that I'll "attain many notable achievements in the fields of education and training". Sometimes, I want to say HA HA!!! I have about the same memory as someone who just was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. And that I'll "preside in various calling's in the Church". Of course these quotes come with a lot of other information. But the point is that if that's what is meant to be in my life then alrighty, I'll live faithfully and it will be a miracle if I'm blessed with even HALF of the things my patriarchal blessing says. I won't complain any longer. I don't doubt the power of God. If he wants to help me, then I will gladlylet him!

3)When I was 16 I made a commitment to myself. I have always been blessed spiritually. Moving from Washington was the hardest thing I had ever done in my LIFE! I went through heck those first several months away. (for a future blog entry). But my Savior has always been there for me. I have always felt my Heavenly Father's love and Spirit. So, I was 16, sitting on a mountain at trek, singing to myself. I realized how much others sacrificed because of their testimonies. And then I realized what I wanted to give. What was at the heart of everything I have ever wanted (and what I find A LOT in my patriarchal blessing) is to serve. I want to give my time, my talents, my money, my children, my knowledge to God. I want to do his will. I want to do go where he wants me to go and be the person he wants me to be and say the things he wants me to say. The best thing I can give him is my agency. Since then I have always remembered and st rived to do that. I'm human. But I love serving.

4)So, let me tie all this together. I realized today why I really want to be a nurse. Not only do I think our bodies are just about the coolest creation ever, but I love serving people. Its something that had to grow inside me of me because i was definitely a rude, prideful, and selfish kid. And then I changed. I want to help heal people. Being RSPrez somehow helped me see this. I want to serve anyone and everyone.

I went running. Its my destressor. I'm still out of shape, but John promised he would buy me a Mac if I as healthy as I want to be by his birthday! And I love to run. I ran to emily's on just a slim thought that maybe it would help my mood. Tiffany (emily's sister-in-law) had just found out Oliver is autistic. He's 2. She was so sad and helpless, talking to me about it. I am becoming to realize that my little thoughts are more often promptings than not. Even though I needed a boost, I knew my Heavenly Father needed me to help someone else. I was glad to be there to listen. I think I'm going to surprise her with something tomorrow on my run.

That was part of my day. I feel like I grow so much everyday and that I really should start tearing it up typing away in my blogs! I just can't seem to stop though. Emily and my mom says that boys will stop falling in love with me if I am not so much an open-book. Maybe I'll start typing more and talking less...who knows.

Tomorrow i take my Nursing Essay. I'm gonna need to write about qualities that would make me a good nurse and why I want it. I'm scared to death. Should have gotten a blessing.

P.S. I saw LLAMAs today on campus!! And after my run these boys pulled their love seat outside their apartment into the sun and were eating goldfish and root beer. They asked if I would join them. It was beautiful outside, and I sadly denied two guys! Haha...can't get much better than that. :)