Its true. Of all girls, I promise it's healthy when appropriate. I began having regular soft cries when I turned 18 and entered Relief Society (so stereotypical i know). They come and go on good Sundays, which happens more regularly then not. Hard cries don't occur nearly as much. N.E.A.R.L.Y. I'm pretty sure the last hard, hard cry I had was Christmas 2009. Anyways, recently I blogged about some things that I learned and then kinda forgot about it (typical human being) and now I think I know why I learned what I did because other experiences came and then the epiphany which really hit me hard, right in the square of the eyes:
Seven days ago, I did the unthinkable (in my book). I let my anger flow out. Not trickle. Flow like a river, a dam, THE NIAGRA FALLS! Over a silly issue that at the time meant a lot to me. I was so furious at myself and furious at being furious (especially at the start of the week of THANKSgving) that I thought a lot of bad thoughts about myself, said a few, and even emailed them to my mom...haha...so pitiful, i know.) I finally shed some tears. Went to bed. Woke up late past my alarm sick, missed a very important-hated-class, looked out the window and seeing the snow shed more tears.
Somehow I ended up in the office of my therapist Evan (he's actually my boss.....AND a wonderful therapist). He takes good care of his employee's and knowing my lack of/hard-cry-phobia, he sat me down and does what he always does: question.after.question.after.question???????? which is why he is such an effective teacher.
By the end of the conversation and a trip to get some chocolate (which i had/got to share with everyone) I was feeling so great! Evan somehow helps us [my fellow co-workers/evan's other employees] get into a position where the Spirit is so welcome to teach you when you're in your most raw, most broken state possible. At the very end of our conversation he always asks,
"So Beckles?? What Did You Learn?"
1. I'm what you call an avoider. I avoid questions when I want too. And I'm pretty decent at it. I do have problems, but I mask them and push them out of my mind. But when life sucks and I have a hard cry, I unmask everything and pull every little thing possible out of the drawer and hash it out on myself=very.unhealthy.hard.hard.cry=becky.loses.the.spirit.=becky.wants.to.die.bc.she.then.feels.so.lonely.
2. You make things what you want them to be. E.g. It doesn't matter if I broke the shovel and keep blaming, blaming, blaming myself....you still have a broken shovel. (This lesson learned probably doesn't make that much sense to the normal person, i'm not normal...but i completely understand what i'm trying to say).
3. There's conflict between my thoughts and my heart. I know my parents love is unconditional, but for some awful reason i let my heart believe that its only performist-based depending on how i look, act. True story, although; I still do good things for other right reasons (this particular reason is just screwed).
4. Sometimes I believe that I'll only be judged by my works alone. I forget that I'll be judged by my "intents of my heart and works" and then I may be sufficient enough for God's grace.
5. Bottom line-I have always used the Atonement for big things, but not the small. Which is what everything leads down too. I have some emnity going on, separating me from God. I wanted to take care of the small things, I feel like I need too, and I always fail at the small things. And then I push them out (see #1). And then the cycle officially has started (see #1-#5). but no more...
you cannot be moved within and stand still without
Isn't this crazy? Who knew I could learn all this from seven days ago. Seven days ago when I realized that I would get my first C ever in a class.
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