On The Bright Side of Things.....

I have the best brothers in the entire world!

A little background: John is in Washington DC for the semester for an internship at the National Defense University and Jim is serving in Afghanistan and comes home this summer!!!!

1. A couple of weeks ago, John had me run down to Cougar Creations (BYUs printing shop) and pick up a packet he had sent int to be printed and bound. When I picked it up, there was two sheets that were printed from his email with the packet. I thought it was a fluke that he had accidentally sent in those to be printed or something. But I later discovered that they were receipts from a DELTA transaction for a TICKET to NYC during the 3-day weekend in February for REBECCA RHODEN! Yes, ladies and gentleman. I'm 19 and going to New York City.

2. When I told Jim I didn't get picked to be a Young Performing Missionary (Service Mission) in Nauvoo he replied back with an invitation to take me to GUAM this summer when he returns!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited if this works out. I mean, have you SEEN pictures of GUAM before? I had from missionaries but now especially after I googled pictures of Guam--the beaches and sunsets are S.U.P.E.R.B!

These pictures of my brothers make me laugh so much! Oh, the memories of childhood. I love my brothers probably more than anything else, even over my baby blankie. And my dog Macey. I don't know how my wonderful parents (who I also love dearly) gave me two of the best, kindest, funniest, talented, smartest older brothers a younger sister could ever ask for. I think I probably trust them more than I ever should: if they told me to jump off a cliff, I would. Isn't that a little weird? Anyways, I love them and when I know that they love me I get all tender! Although they did go to Europe without me a couple of years ago, I think I've forgiven them by now...I think. Maybe after these awesome experiences I will be completely healed...

It Is Hard To Fail But It Is Worse Never To Have Tried To Succeed.

There are many times in my life when I've experienced failure. This week was just another experience. And even though I know that whoever made the decision was inspired--my heart still ached, just hurt. My heart. It's interesting that your spirit can make your body feel that extra pain right there.

Now I'm confused. And feel lost at what exactly to do. I like making plans, but it's hard to have them end up not to what you expected or wanted. I guess its partially what you get when you always allow the "let they will be done" in every prayer.

Funny then that where "failure" would be in the Bible Dictionary "faith" is found instead.

(props to john for the picture. he took it in dc and sent it to me when he found out about my denied opportunity)

The Key To The Big Is The Small

It's the second day of January and I am so excited for this new year. It just feels like its going to be a great year! This post is really for my mom, she requested I do a new years post. I'm trying to decide if it's because she wants to know what my resolutions are or if she's missing me already? (i left home 2 days ago).

I love setting goals. I'm not sure why, but I'm just a very motivated person to always have a new plan or idea and how I will accomplish it. So this year, 2011, I decided that I want to work backwards with my goal setting. Usually I go for the big and try and work out the small. But this time, I'm working on 5 things (one for each finger on my hand) that I will do every day. You know, the key to the big is the small? That's kind of the idea I'm going for. I have ideas about the outcomes, but I don't want to limit the possibilities of the fruits of my big 5. Happy New Year! I time to "Look Not Behind Thee" and move forward, a time of becoming.

New Year's: Look Not behind Thee

Full Circle

A couple of weeks ago I went to the bathroom after one of my classes. As I walked to the wall filled with sinks to wash my hands I looked quickly in the mirror and there sitting on the mirror was a little square sticky note that said something sweet and personal. I felt so loved! I'm sure many people saw the sticky note and went away feeling more hopeful and charitable. I love people and the good they do, the good that they somehow eminate for me to become better. I hope I can share that one day, full circle.

Oh Boy Did I Luck Out!!! A Night With BYU's Cecil :)

Suite 15 is where it is at!!!! Tonight I went to the BYU mens basketball game at the Jazz's Energy Arena in Salt Lake (against Arizona). John lucked out with 2 special tickets, and after asking several girls and being denied, John decided to take me since I'm always back up. :) Suite 15 just happened to be President Cecil O. Samuelson's suite. For those of you who don't know him, you should. He's the President of BYU and in the Quorum of the 70. With BYU having 30,000 students, it's not very likely that many people get to personally meet the President and especially watch a basketball game with him and his wife. It was so much fun! The suite had delicious food, a cute bar with tables, flat screen tv, 3 rows of seats, a personal bathroom, and random waiters to check on us. With only us, Pres.& Sis. Samuelson and their granddaughter, there was also the Vice President of Athletics (another Q of 70 member) whose wife knows John and was the one who offered the tickets with his wife and daughter also there. I definitely had a wonderful evening with President Cecil O. Samuelson :) I promise I'm not that much of a creeper, but here are some highlights:

-When pulling into the parking garage in salt lake, we let a car in the opposite left lane cut in front of us and then when we pulled in to pay at the booth the guy told us that the car in front of us had payed for our parking!!! So nice, especially at Christmas!

-Shaking President and Sis. Samuelson's hand, visiting with them.

-When Sis. Samuelson leaned over to talk to the other lady and Pres. Samuelson said, "Sharon, watch the game!"

-Hearing Pres. Samuelson talk to all the players quietly under his breath, "Oh jackson!" or "Left, Right, Left, Right, Left, Right."

-Sis. Samuelson turning around and always saying, "Wait, what just happened?"

-During halftime, when Pres. Samuelson got a personal text showing that Noah Hartsock received a minor concussion and 6 stitches to the upper lip when hit during the first 10 minutes of the game.

-Having special sporting officials checking up on us during the game:)

-After the game, walking through a beautiful Barnes&Noble and reading random books while awaiting traffic to die down. I will always dream of having a beautiful library of gorgeous books one day!

-P.S. Did I mention BYU won?

Soft Cries and Hard Cries

One day, I'll get married and have a family and be able to have a normal blog like all those family blogs that I love to stalk. But for now, this is me and my very personal-all-about-me-posts....

Its true. Of all girls, I promise it's healthy when appropriate. I began having regular soft cries when I turned 18 and entered Relief Society (so stereotypical i know). They come and go on good Sundays, which happens more regularly then not. Hard cries don't occur nearly as much. N.E.A.R.L.Y. I'm pretty sure the last hard, hard cry I had was Christmas 2009. Anyways, recently I blogged about some things that I learned and then kinda forgot about it (typical human being) and now I think I know why I learned what I did because other experiences came and then the epiphany which really hit me hard, right in the square of the eyes:

Seven days ago, I did the unthinkable (in my book). I let my anger flow out. Not trickle. Flow like a river, a dam, THE NIAGRA FALLS! Over a silly issue that at the time meant a lot to me. I was so furious at myself and furious at being furious (especially at the start of the week of THANKSgving) that I thought a lot of bad thoughts about myself, said a few, and even emailed them to my mom...haha...so pitiful, i know.) I finally shed some tears. Went to bed. Woke up late past my alarm sick, missed a very important-hated-class, looked out the window and seeing the snow shed more tears.

Somehow I ended up in the office of my therapist Evan (he's actually my boss.....AND a wonderful therapist). He takes good care of his employee's and knowing my lack of/hard-cry-phobia, he sat me down and does what he always does: question.after.question.after.question???????? which is why he is such an effective teacher.

By the end of the conversation and a trip to get some chocolate (which i had/got to share with everyone) I was feeling so great! Evan somehow helps us [my fellow co-workers/evan's other employees] get into a position where the Spirit is so welcome to teach you when you're in your most raw, most broken state possible. At the very end of our conversation he always asks,

"So Beckles?? What Did You Learn?"

1. I'm what you call an avoider. I avoid questions when I want too. And I'm pretty decent at it. I do have problems, but I mask them and push them out of my mind. But when life sucks and I have a hard cry, I unmask everything and pull every little thing possible out of the drawer and hash it out on myself=very.unhealthy.hard.hard.cry=becky.loses.the.spirit.=becky.wants.to.die.bc.she.then.feels.so.lonely.

2. You make things what you want them to be. E.g. It doesn't matter if I broke the shovel and keep blaming, blaming, blaming myself....you still have a broken shovel. (This lesson learned probably doesn't make that much sense to the normal person, i'm not normal...but i completely understand what i'm trying to say).

3. There's conflict between my thoughts and my heart. I know my parents love is unconditional, but for some awful reason i let my heart believe that its only performist-based depending on how i look, act. True story, although; I still do good things for other right reasons (this particular reason is just screwed).

4. Sometimes I believe that I'll only be judged by my works alone. I forget that I'll be judged by my "intents of my heart and works" and then I may be sufficient enough for God's grace.

5. Bottom line-I have always used the Atonement for big things, but not the small. Which is what everything leads down too. I have some emnity going on, separating me from God. I wanted to take care of the small things, I feel like I need too, and I always fail at the small things. And then I push them out (see #1). And then the cycle officially has started (see #1-#5). but no more...

you cannot be moved within and stand still without

Isn't this crazy? Who knew I could learn all this from seven days ago. Seven days ago when I realized that I would get my first C ever in a class.