learning about myself

Today was crazzy...seriously. I have so much to do in so little time. Its like I could have a panic attack and flip out on everyone and everything if I wanted too. Luckily, I feel okay. I know it'll all pass....hopefully.

So, where to start? I didn't get much sleep last night--i was tired for the most of the day. I realize that when I'm tired, I tend not to think very well, I get distracted, and am more stressed. Which is why I am GOING to try and finish this up as soon as I get my mind all settled.

I got a text message today from someone who was really worried about one of the girls in my ward. I knew that she was having some trouble...I found out that she tried overdosing twice!!! And every time her boyfriend found her and made her throw up. That's serious. Freaky serious. I didn't know what to do. So, I texted my Bishop and prayed during my scheduled "nap time" (devotional). The bishop was really glad that I texted him and called the boyfriend and talked to him. Anyways, its all a mess. I need a hug.

Then I lost my water bottle. AGAIN. I swear, why is it that I lose things all the time? I'm beginning to think that I'll never grow out of this breaking-losing-thing syndrome. I prayed and guess what...found it! Yea, its a miracle I inherited my Oma's faith. Campus is HUGE. :)

I was in one of those stressful, pity-me moods. When I knew that I needed to think of others and pray. So I prayed as I walked home. It was a REALLY LONG prayer. I realized a lot of things:

1) I have no idea why I got into BYU. Even Fall semester!! I have no earthly idea WHY I'm Relief Society President. I'm definitely not the cream of the crop.

2) Apparently, I'm suppose to be here at BYU and the RSPrez. You know, my patriarchal blessing says that I'll "attain many notable achievements in the fields of education and training". Sometimes, I want to say HA HA!!! I have about the same memory as someone who just was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. And that I'll "preside in various calling's in the Church". Of course these quotes come with a lot of other information. But the point is that if that's what is meant to be in my life then alrighty, I'll live faithfully and it will be a miracle if I'm blessed with even HALF of the things my patriarchal blessing says. I won't complain any longer. I don't doubt the power of God. If he wants to help me, then I will gladlylet him!

3)When I was 16 I made a commitment to myself. I have always been blessed spiritually. Moving from Washington was the hardest thing I had ever done in my LIFE! I went through heck those first several months away. (for a future blog entry). But my Savior has always been there for me. I have always felt my Heavenly Father's love and Spirit. So, I was 16, sitting on a mountain at trek, singing to myself. I realized how much others sacrificed because of their testimonies. And then I realized what I wanted to give. What was at the heart of everything I have ever wanted (and what I find A LOT in my patriarchal blessing) is to serve. I want to give my time, my talents, my money, my children, my knowledge to God. I want to do his will. I want to do go where he wants me to go and be the person he wants me to be and say the things he wants me to say. The best thing I can give him is my agency. Since then I have always remembered and st rived to do that. I'm human. But I love serving.

4)So, let me tie all this together. I realized today why I really want to be a nurse. Not only do I think our bodies are just about the coolest creation ever, but I love serving people. Its something that had to grow inside me of me because i was definitely a rude, prideful, and selfish kid. And then I changed. I want to help heal people. Being RSPrez somehow helped me see this. I want to serve anyone and everyone.

I went running. Its my destressor. I'm still out of shape, but John promised he would buy me a Mac if I as healthy as I want to be by his birthday! And I love to run. I ran to emily's on just a slim thought that maybe it would help my mood. Tiffany (emily's sister-in-law) had just found out Oliver is autistic. He's 2. She was so sad and helpless, talking to me about it. I am becoming to realize that my little thoughts are more often promptings than not. Even though I needed a boost, I knew my Heavenly Father needed me to help someone else. I was glad to be there to listen. I think I'm going to surprise her with something tomorrow on my run.

That was part of my day. I feel like I grow so much everyday and that I really should start tearing it up typing away in my blogs! I just can't seem to stop though. Emily and my mom says that boys will stop falling in love with me if I am not so much an open-book. Maybe I'll start typing more and talking less...who knows.

Tomorrow i take my Nursing Essay. I'm gonna need to write about qualities that would make me a good nurse and why I want it. I'm scared to death. Should have gotten a blessing.

P.S. I saw LLAMAs today on campus!! And after my run these boys pulled their love seat outside their apartment into the sun and were eating goldfish and root beer. They asked if I would join them. It was beautiful outside, and I sadly denied two guys! Haha...can't get much better than that. :)

ten minutes

for ten minutes, im going to type. nate is studying tonight and i really wanted to talk to him. yes, he's one of my best friends. and yes, he got his mission call!!! hello TOULOUSE FRANCCCCEEE!!!! :) i am so excited for him. he has no idea.

my weekend has been fantastic...in so many ways! but for my future children's sake, i'll keep it to the boring and menial things i have learned recently. i love love love being relief society president. and no, its nothing i expected-and im trying not to be cocky-i promise. in a few weeks i'll be released from my calling. i know whats coming, im dreading my last meeting where the bishopbric asks what i have learned. i keep thinking, pondering, and wondering what i have learned and how i have grown. because i have in so many ways.

there are 70 girls in my relief society. i love, care, and know each one of them. i love them more than i ever realized was possible for such a diverse group. last semester i was quick to judge and justify "she's cute, but...". i feel horrible for some of the things i have thought and said. joseph smith said once that you should "hold your tongue" and "do not injure the character of anyone!". I want and need to be more kind. wouldn't it be great to be known for never saying anything negative about anyone? for everything you say about someone will only build them up?

sure the girls in my relief society are not perfect. i see them texting in church or wearing immodest cloths and i can't help but still fill love for them. at least they made it out to church i think, or im grateful they just have cloths. just seeing them smile or hearing their comments makes me feel so much LOVE. its insane! i am so astonished and amazed by the power of God. today during my welfare meeting the bishop asked to talk to me afterwords to let me know that one girl (a friend of mine, we're not close, but we're friends) can not pray in public for any meetings. i related some other news to the bishop about two girls who are agnostic. it basically broke his heart for a moment. bishop robbins just began rambling and had his head in his hands. he cares for them and loves these girls more than i do. i felt so prompted to just listen to him. my heart went out to him. how hard it must be to be a bishop. to know so much and have to be so strong. for the love that you feel that you had to pray to receive. sometimes i just wish i could help these girls make right choices, to share some of my faith or testimony with them. i went to the bathroom and said a prayer for my bishop and myself. my heart breaks, but the Lord always heals it. the power of God is so powerful. i've learned that as a leader you shouldn't be asking the question, "how can i teach so-and-so a lesson", but "how can i bring this person to Christ so he can heal them." i don't know if i'll ever be cut out to be a bishop's wife or anything, but i know i love our priesthood holders. i honor their faith, happiness, and strength in keeping confidences.

my ten minutes has been extending...but,

i said a prayer in front of a 1,000 people tonight. sister sherri dew spoke to us in commemoration of our relief society birthday on march 17th! :) it was wonderful and i was terrified! i was amazed at the peace i felt as i sang our closing song before i prayed. "true to the faith that our parents have cherished". i remember who my real parents are, and that i could be true to them. i didn't even trip over the cord at the podium! afterwords sis. dew gave me a hug and asked me to be a good girl. it was a wonderful meeting.

life is good. i love God. i love my family. and i love my friends.

I love you MOM!!!

Last night I was able to talk to my mom and it meant a lot to me. Just to know that she was listening. We have always had the best of relationships. She's definately one of my closest and best friends. Eventhough we don't talk all the time, its how you feel when you DO talk that classifies true friendship. I'm so grateful for her and everything she does for me! In fact, she will now be one of the few that can read my blog! I LOVE YOU MOMMMY!

Life-->Sharing It!

Life is officially crazy. Yes, I have not blogged in ages and this is me, making one of my many statements or goals that I will probably continue to make: I am going to get into the habit of blogging!

Isn't that exciting? I have so many experiences and memories that I want to share. This semester I have made it a point to go to the temple and do baptisms weekly. I'm glad to report that I've been going. :) I know some people are always saying that you can't do everything, but the temple means a lot to me and I really need the spirit that I feel there. This year I have really taken a turn with my temple work. I consider, pray, and ponder the lives I'm serving. It makes me really interested in the people who I do the work for. I know some lived wonderful lives with hardships, talents, and blessings. Wouldn't it be great to hear all their stories? I hope I get to one day.

But because of all this thinking that goes on pretty often in my mind, I really got to thinking about my life and how I was living it and recording it. I realized that Facebook not only was my most current "journal" but that it was also very pitiful to me and my purpose's of using it. So I packed it up and deactivated it for a time. I figure that I can always pop it back up--but for now, I want to go in a bit of a different direction where I can share my picture's, memories, thoughts, and one-of-a-kind, only-would-happen-to-becky stories. So enjoy!

cars, toilets, and keys

I haven't blogged in a week! But there has been so much, A LOT: cars, toilets, headbands, keys, music, tacos, trips, and blue skies. I wish all of these could be individual blogs. Let's see--let me start on Tuesday:

I was standing on 2230 North and University. I was about to walk across a street when a van made a left turn. The light was just green, no arrow. Another car was zooming foward and BAM, CRASH. My stomach immediately twisted and stayed that way as I had flash backs from the sound of a crash, the horn of a car, my eyes were locked on the small car with the air bag out and driver doing his best to pull over next to me. Then I looked left and saw the van. Completely tipped over on the driver door. I freaked. Hung up on my dad and dialed 911. I began talking to the operator--seconds from when the crash happened. I answered all of her questions, panicked and frenzied. My southern accent slipped in completely: "yes mam", "no mam", i let her my number and name. I heard the ambulance and was on my way. I have never felt so bad for leaving. Remorse filled me as I made it to band on time. Who cares about band? That driver to the van may have needed me. I should have had closure. For all i know he was dead. I was too hard on myself. While I was playing my piccolo a sweet lesson came over me--from the Holy Ghost--no doubt. Earlier I prayed like a usually do for an opportunity to serve. But this time I mentioned how I have learned from my BOM professor that God just let's experiences happen. He has too. But sometimes he will intervene--or help out in a way. So if I prayed, knowing htat He loves His other children as much as He loves me. I prayed that I would be able to be an instrument in His hands to help someone. I think I was at the right time at the right place to help someone by calling the ambulance. Maybe I did make a difference.

Later that night Alex, Emily, and I went to a headband party and bought beautiful headbands that are ADORIBLE! I was in love. Sometime I will have to post some pictures. Not tonight though. Then Alex and I went to the Men and Women's Chorus. I love musicand its power. It was beautiful.

Wednesday I was sick and tired of everything that I happened. I needed a mental break. So I came home early! I ate lunch by myself and went running. It was beautiful!!! 70 degrees with a bright blue sky. I ran to Em's house and saw Tiff and Michael. I am so grateful Emily share's her family with me. She has no idea how much they mean to me. How much she does. I'm praying to learn how to treat those I love, like I love them. I always have put my friends on cloud nine. But maybe not when I joke around with them. I really do want to change. I hope I never hurt anyone by my complacency (i think that's the word...).

Thursday!!! hahaha.. one of my college days that made me think of high school! Guess what i did? I'm so dumb. I ACCIDENTALLY flushed my phone down the toilet in the JKB. It was a gonner! Flushed into the sewer and everything. Man, I laughed so hard. Everyone did. I don't know what it is with me, but things just happen. Why me? Maybe because I have a funny optimistic attitude? Who knows. Just know that my phone is gone. I got it all fixed--new sim card + old phone = new cell! I am grateful for everyone who still loves me despite my bad luck... ;)

Saturday the Band traveled to BOA to perform in St. George. It was a lot of fun. I am so amazed I'm in BYU's Band!! Gosh, I am the luckiest girl in the world. Music makes me so happy. There are wonderful people in the band--few creeper boys--but the creepers are always the premies...

Sunday after ward prayer I took Alex's keys to get into Em's apartment. Then I took Emily's to get into her apartment. What's wrong with me? Maybe my brain is defected and during the resurrection all of my woe's will be fixed. I ended up having to find an RA to get her door unlocked. WHEN it turned out Em's keys were in my apartment. Boy did I feel stupid! You would think I would be use to such common occurances in my life. But every day surprise's me.

Today was hard. I thought I would really have a mental break down. But when I was at the worst of it John just randomely called me to tell me he loved me. What a sweet kid, I know he was following the Spirit; but I wonder if he knows that. College is hard. It's hard finding my place and regime when I'm so used to having everything so______ at home. It gets better every prayer I say and every word I read from my scriptures.

That was my LONG week. I'm grateful I am alive and healthy and that I know that I am a daughter of God who does love me very much. :)

I HATE WORDS

I officially HATE words. I know, i know. My dad told me not to hate anything. It's midnight and i'm still at Em's editing my Rhetorical Analysis. I have already lost my patience so many times. I am just too dumb--I pretty much decided it's part of who I am. I can never come up with enough words or the right words or how to place those stupid words. I wish I was more like Emily. But since I'm not, I might as well be super grateful that she edits (so much) of my paper with me. I have never had a good English teacher and I'm probably breaking a thousand English rules but honestly, I don't give a care!!! I need a free write to know that my teacher Christie will never see this. I don't know why I decided to take Honors English at BYU. My only hope is that God wasn't joking when He said weak things can be made strong. One day--when I'll probably be out of college, my dreams of writing well come true. Other than that, I had a great day, but I didn't go running. But I did search, ponder, and pray, SMILE, and blogged. :)

ERRRRRRR!!! (for the rest of the night)

peace

I saw the hand of the Lord today as I found answers I needed to hear. I was pretty down about some things and didn't really get to talk it out with anyone. So I went to my scriptures and found much comfort in Philippians 4:6-7. I love the description of peace "which passeth all understanding". I know that I shouldn't worry and John reminded me that the best remedy when worrying is to WORK (thanks to pres. hinckley). The peace is what I need to focus on (being eternally minded) like the peace I feel in the temple. Everything worldly becomes void and it's just you and your eternal salvation. With a deep overcoming sense of hope--peace. I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who hears my prayers and answers them through the teachings of the Holy Ghost within scripture, or words of wisdom from my brother, or a lesson and song in Relief Society, and of course, hearing an Apostle of the Lord speak in person at a CES fireside. I know who I am and who loves me. I'm grateful for the hand of the Lord which I see so very often in my life.